Update

So, it's been two weeks since I wrote my previous post. I don't know why I haven't posted it until now...Because I needed to make sure it was perfect, I'm sure. And I finally just have to let it go, because I don't have time to obsess over it. We are now at 5 weeks - still alive. Still nursing...sort of...barely. She's growing, growing, growing. Who knew a little 6 lb. 6 oz. runt could be so big at 5 weeks? I still have 20 lbs. to lose (at least I'm not growing, right?) We're still loving her. And we're getting more sleep...sort of...barely. The three times a night has decreased to two. Now if she'd only sleep during the day! The girl is restless and uncomfortable. Is it gas? Is it constipation? Is it reflux? I don't know. She sleeps fabulously in my arms, but lay her down anywhere - her crib, her swing, the car seat - and within 15 minutes she's screaming. That is why my house looks the way it does. That is why my older girls look like orphans.

This picture was taken on Sunday, March 14, 2010. Daylight Savings time started that day...We forgot. CW and the girls showed up for the last 15 minutes of Sacrament Meeting. They looked slightly better than this when they left for church. We're all going a little crazy around here.

Introducing....

The newest member of our family. She's been here 3 weeks, and you'd think I'd have gotten around to showing her off by now. My excuse(s): lack of sleep, post-partum hormones which turn me into a blubbering mess when I even think about writing about the new little miracle that has joined our family, two other children who have made it very clear they do not like their mother right now, nursing and pumping and nursing and eating more than enough so I have an endless milk supply and nursing and nursing and nursing and fretting over whether my child is growing and/or getting enough to eat and also nursing, sleeping, trying to enjoy these first weeks because we are definitely not doing this again!

She's beautiful, and I love her.

Statistics:

1st: day she was born - March 1st, 2010...I find it very fitting that my first child was born on the last day of March and my last child was born on the first day of March. "The first shall be last, and the last shall be first." Yes, I am 100% sure that this is it. I am too old to do this again.

6: time of birth - 6:00 p.m. exactly.

6 6: weight - 6 lbs 6 oz.

20: inches long.

3: number of times the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck.

4: days in the hospital...long enough to wear out your welcome.

3: children...all girls!

3: weeks I've survived.

20: pounds I need to lose.

3: average number of times I'm up at night feeding this child, whom I love dearly, but would love even more if I were sleeping more.

Cannot be quantified: changed diapers, kisses, friends and neighbors and family bringing gifts and meals and taking care of children, feedings, gratitude that she is here and healthy, the medical bills from our emergency C-section (just kidding - sort of).

Her arrival (you have my permission to stop reading now...it may be long, and most likely boring to anyone other than myself):

Remember how I was panicking over having to make a silly decision whether to be induced or not? Well, that should have been the least of my worries. Monday, shortly after I posted my last post three weeks ago I started having contractions....on my own, Pitocin-free, lucky me! Shortly after 3:00 p.m. the girls were with a friend, and CW and I were on our way to the hospital. Everything was fine and normal...I was dilated to a 5 or 6 when I got to the hospital, and we were going to have a baby!

Then I met the nurse anesthetist. This is where things started going badly. The dude inspired no confidence whatsoever. As he searched my back for an endless amount of time, looking for who knows what, I was on the verge of telling him to forget the epidural, I would rather go natural. That's saying a lot. He acted like this was his first experience sticking a needle in someone's spine, and I was not about to let some amateur paralyze me for life. I was not impressed, and it must have showed, because at one point CW said, "SaM, he's doing a GOOD job...he knows what he's doing." My nerves were on edge, and it didn't get any better.

Shortly after my epidural, a random doctor from the hospital came to check on things with a concerned look, which led to more freaking out on my part. Of course no one bothered explaining to me what was going on, and I'm going over every possible horror-story scenario, wondering if this would still be happening had I taken my pre-natal vitamins more faithfully. Yes, I really am as pathetic as I sound, and by now the tears were flowing freely. Finally some comfort came by way of my OB/GYN, along with some much-needed explanations. Apparently every time I had a contraction baby's heart rate dropped. At first her heart rate would return to normal after the contraction was over, but after several episodes her heart rate wasn't returning to normal before I would have another contraction. Seeing as I was still only dilated to a 6, and could be in labor for hours to come, my doctor decided a C-section was necessary. More panicking...something about being cut open is much more terrifying to me than pushing out a baby. Lots of morphine and 15 minutes later I'd given birth. Interesting fact about myself, morphine makes me forget to breathe. Who knew? Hopefully that piece of information won't be needed again and can be stored away, a useless trivia fact that maybe I'll mention when conversation is dull at our next social gathering.

The umbilical cord had been wrapped three times around her neck. There was no way she could have made it down the birth canal on her own. I was told the cord was very thin - should I worry about this, too. Why not? Once again, maybe it can be attributed to my irregular consumption of vitamins. She was so small and seemed even more traumatized than I was. I was in a morphine daze, and remember very little of the moments following her delivery. They let me hold her (was that really wise, considering how incoherent I was?) before taking her away to do whatever it is they do. Then the stitching up began, which seemed to take forever compared to the quick procedure of cutting me open and taking my insides out. It was a very unpleasant sensation to feel the tugging and pulling of being put back together. Finally, it was over....I could go see my baby.

Or not. I would not see my baby for the next 12 hours. And I only saw her because I painfully wheeled myself down to see her (okay, I think a nurse actually wheeled me down while my husband, who remained much more calm throughout all of this, slept peacefully). What I hadn't been told, or at least not to my recollection, was that my baby had TTN, or rapid breathing, most likely because of excess fluid in her lungs. They would need to monitor her until her breathing slowed down. She was on an IV, and I was not allowed to feed her for fear that she might aspirate. More waiting. Finally at 6:00 p.m. the next day, 24 hours after her birth (it felt much longer), I was able to hold and feed my baby. Well, the feeding would take some work, but at least she was free of the machines!

And then we hung out for 3 more days, monitoring and checking and trying to get the girl to eat. I cried and panicked some more, because clearly if I couldn't even feed my own child I wasn't fit to be a mother. And then she'd make some progress, gradual, but at least in the right direction. And I got some sleep and cried a little less. Finally by Friday, I didn't even care if I wasn't able to feed my child, I just wanted out of that stupid hospital full of people who clearly couldn't get a job at a decent medical institution. Yes, in my old age I have become extremely impatient and intolerant of others. Really, there were some great people who took care of me and my baby, but there were also more than a few "interesting" characters. At times it really did feel like this place took in the most socially awkward doctors, nurses, nurse anesthetists, etc. they could find.

Week one over, and we were home at last. EM and LuV were at Grandma and Grandpa's in Idaho, CW back at work, and I am a mother of one. Only one. Just me and my baby girl. All day long. It was so quiet and peaceful. There were days the silence was maddening, and I just wanted to go get my girls. Fortunately I resisted. Week two was a blissful time of sleeping and reading and relaxing and healing and holding my baby whenever I wanted, as long as I wanted. She got better at eating. We bonded. Week three and I was back to being a mother of three. We had one GOOD day - Wednesday. Baby slept in her crib. LuV took a nap, which meant she wasn't crying for her dad all afternoon. There was slightly less whining. I finally swept and mopped the hardwood floors - it had been nearly a month. The rest of the week was less successful.

Baby still isn't a great eater or night sleeper. I'm ready to give up on nursing, and if it weren't for RSV season I probably would. I'm trying to hold out until the end of April. Wish me luck. EM and LuV have their moments. It's hard for them, I know. I am trying to be sensitive. I am trying to be patient. I am trying to balance the needs of three little girls. I am trying to be a mother of three. I am trying. Some day we'll get there. I am surviving, and that is all that can be expected after three weeks. We'll take the GOOD days when they come, and the other days we hold on until 5:30 p.m. brings relief.

One thing is certain - she is loved. EM and LuV love their sister. I love my baby girl. I am grateful she is here, even if she causes me grief with her eating and sleeping. I am thankful she is healthy even if it costs us thousands in medical expenses. I am amazed at the miracle of life - that she is so perfect and beautiful and whole. I still can't believe how blessed we are...in spite of pre-natal vitamins and everything else. And I still couldn't write this without crying, but at least it didn't end in violent sobbing like some of the other posts I started....

Bliss

Near 60-degree weather. Being outside. An end in sight. Thinking about a new beginning. A soon-to-be special delivery, just for us, coming from a heavenly home. Nesting. Recognizing a need to improve. Loving my children. Determining that I will be better because they deserve better. Homemade curry...enjoyed by all. 9:00 a.m. church. A two-year-old making it to the potty in time. Kids' bedtime. Remembering what I looked like with ankles. Crying during the movie Bedtime Stories and still being able to blame it on pregnancy hormones. Tiny baby clothes. Wondering, waiting, wishing.

photo courtesy of EM

Just some things I've enjoyed the past couple days.

What Could Possibly Have Induced Me???

I scheduled a date to be induced. Six days from today. Thursday. My other two girls were born on Thursdays. That's not why I chose Thursday. It was the last day I could "schedule" this baby before my doctor leaves for who knows where. Apparently she doesn't feel the need to stay in town the weekend my baby is due to make her grand entrance into this world. How dare she? I, on the other hand, will have to miss being with my brother while he goes through the temple for the first time. I hate being the only one in my family to miss out on things. Because my OB/GYN has the nerve to come and go when and where she pleases, a luxury those of us who are 39 weeks pregnant do not get to enjoy, I have now been placed in the uncomfortable position of having to make a decision. I hate having to make decisions. Do I get induced Thursday before my doctor abandons me, not to return until Monday evening? Or do I let things take their natural course, even if that means a stranger coaches me through the final pushes? Really, the doctor does so very little in the delivery process it shouldn't matter. And yet there is something reassuring about having MY doctor be the one to present me with baby girl #3. So I chose a date. It feels so unnatural and wrong. I feel like I am being pushy - demanding that my daughter's birthday WILL be March 4, 2010. I hate knowing when it will happen. There is still a chance that she will surprise me. She has six days. But my womb does not tend to release its prey early. There have been no indications that my womb will act any differently this time. So...Thursday it is.

The real reason I chose Thursday: I want my baby to share a birthday with Jim and Pam's baby. How awesome is that?

Have I mentioned how much I hate all of this?

One thing I will not hate...being pregnant one more day.

More Christmas Fun Mingled with Sickness

It's almost Christmas! I can't believe a whole month of EM asking how many more days until it's here has gone by so quickly. We have been trying to enjoy this Christmas season, and pack in all the fun we can. My pregnant body can only take so much, but we've done pretty well...at least on the days that my stomach hasn't been queasy. I have some ailment that seems to strike every other day or so. Or perhaps I've been consuming too much junk and my body is simply revolting. Either way it has been less than pleasant, what with the churning innards in addition to an especially active and kicking baby girl in my womb. Though it hasn't really prevented me from sampling (in excess) the caramels and toffee and chocolate sent our way.
We've made and delivered gifts of apple butter, or apple pie filling, or popcorn to neighbors and friends. We've decorated a gingerbread house. CW and I have attended the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Christmas concert with my parents and one of my sisters and one of my brothers - CW and I do not do well in situations of traffic/parking chaos - just a note to self for future marital harmony. It was a wonderful evening aside from the near end to our marriage trying to navigate through traffic in downtown Salt Lake City with thousands of people trying to get to a Tabernacle Choir concert, a Utah Jazz game, and/or a Nutcracker performance. We've sledded down the hill in our backyard. Even I joined in the fun and took LuV down a couple times - I am hoping none of the neighbors witnessed the spectacle of a very pregnant woman in capri yoga pants and knock-off Ugg boots (with at least 3-4 inches of bare leg) trying not to slam herself and her two-year-old daughter into the back of her brick home. EM did end up in a window well at one point, and she quickly learned to have her feet in position to slow herself down near the bottom of the hill. We've made Christmas cards for grandmas and grandpas and Primary teachers and preschool teachers. We've braved the store to buy gifts for each other - EM for LuV, and LuV for EM, and the girls for mommy and daddy. We've attended the ward party, which was a ride on the Polar Express, and I've never seen EM so giddy in all my life, plus LuV is happy anytime she gets to wear pajamas! We've seen the movie The Princess and the Frog, and I now know that movies are best when watched at the theater with your four-year-old daughter and a bucket of popcorn and a Sprite for her and her sister and a Diet Coke for me and my hubby. Except I could have done without LuV rolling around on the floor of the movie theater. We've done a sub for Santa for a family in our ward. I hope the girls understood at least in part what we were doing and why...EM was extremely upset that the little girl would get to open her gifts before Christmas, while she had to wait until Christmas morning. I informed her that this little girl had a mommy, too, and that moms make you wait until Christmas morning to open presents, and instantly everything was right with the world again. Another note to self: if you're trying to be anonymous, don't put all the food and gifts into boxes that have been shipped to you and clearly have your name and address printed on them. We tried to play stupid...because really, how much more stupid could I be, but I don't think they bought our "I don't know what you're talking about - we had nothing to do with it" act. We've had Grandma and Grandpa over for dinner. We've colored Christmas pictures and read Christmas stories. We've been to Grandma and Grandpa's house for a party complete with Santa Claus. We didn't get around to building a snowman, because the thought of rolling large snowballs in temperatures in the teens was not something I was willing to do, even for my daughters. We still need to set a Christ-centered goal for our family for the New Year. We are planning to go see the lights at Temple Square tomorrow. We started to read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, and we may or may not finish it...probably on the drive to Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas Day. We still need to have a nice Christmas Eve dinner and have a toast with our fancy martini glasses. We still need to read the story of Christ's birth from the New Testament, and reflect on why we love and celebrate this magical time of year.
It's been a great month - stomach issues and all. I love this time of year. I love that I finally have a child who is old enough to eagerly anticipate Christmas. Her eyes visibly light up when she talks about it - not just the presents and Santa Claus, but when she tells me about baby Jesus and who He is and what He means to her. Christmas has never been so GOOD as it has been this year. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and that the New Year is a happy one.

Christmas Fun

On the first day of Christmas we drank hot cocoa and watched Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Actually CW and the girls did this, since I had a Relief Society meeting to attend...

On the second day of Christmas we made sugar cookies - great big star sugar cookies decorated with sprinkles. This was mainly EM's and my project...LuV got bored quickly. I tried not to let the perfectionist in me ruin the moment, since I was taking these cookies for refreshments at our Young Women activity that evening and was hoping they wouldn't look like a 4-year-old had made them, even though she had...

On the third day of Christmas we made applesauce/cinnamon ornaments to take to neighbors - a very similar activity to the day before...great big stars cut out of dough made of cinnamon and applesauce. What a mess! They smell good and are still drying out in the basement, so we're keeping our fingers crossed that they turn out...

On the fourth day of Christmas we were supposed to attend the Festival of Trees to see our friend's beautiful tree, but EM woke up running to the bathroom to puke. Fortunately she made it to the toilet and that was the only incident, but we figured it would be best to stay indoors, so instead we painted EM's toenails and fingernails. Poor LuV was too tired and wanted to go to bed (there seems to be a common theme of LuV missing out on all the fun)...

On the fifth day of Christmas we went to the Festival of Trees, and once we found a parking space and CW calmed down a bit from the parking lot mayhem we enjoyed looking at all the pretty trees. EM especially loved the pink, girly ones. LuV's only interest was a carousel carved out of wood with all the Disney princesses riding the horses. We had to go back for a second look just for her...

On the sixth day of Christmas we built a fire in the fireplace and watched the First Presidency's Christmas Devotional on KBYU. We were supposed to sing our own Christmas carols around the fire, but since CW has to plug his ears to block me out when we sing for Family Home Evening, I figured it best not to torture him too much. We sang along to the third verse of "Silent Night" with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, so technically, mission accomplished...

More Christmas fun hopefully to come.

100 Things for Which I Am Thankful

1 Beautiful Daughters, 2 a GOOD Book, 3 Spaghetti, 4 Friends, 5 a Home, 6 Health, 7 Jesus Christ, 8 a Husband Who Provides for His Family, 9 Smiles, 10 GOOD Food, 11 Girls' Night Out, 12 Sisters, 13 the Gospel, 14 Fruit Trees, 15 Psych - the TV Show, 16 Serving in Young Women with Great Girls, 17 Seasons, 18 Freedom, 19 Intelligence, 20 Neighbors, 21 Romantic Comedies, 22 Being Able to Feel My Baby Move, 23 Holidays and Reasons to Celebrate, 24 an Education, 25 Parents, 26 New Clothes, 27 Dancing Shows, 28 Stubbornness, 29 Laughter, 30 Diet Coke, 31 Blogs, 32 a Car, 33 Brothers, 34 Chocolate, 35 Grandparents, 36 Soup, 37 an Opinion, 38 Hugs & Kisses, 39 Hearing LuV say "Hey You" to Me, 40 My Bed, 41 Vacations, 42 8 Hours of Continuous Sleep, 43 Compliments, 44 a Clean House, 45 In-Laws, 46 No Laundry, 47 EM and LuV Being Friends, 48 Dreams, 49 Feeling the Spirit, 50 Love, 51 Flowers, 52 Surprises, 53 Forgiveness, 54 GOOD Days, 55 Clean Teeth, 56 Exercise, 57 Fires in Fireplaces, 58 Music, 59 Patience when I Need it, 60 Haircuts, 61 Indoor Plumbing, 62 when EM Listens, 63 a Trip to the Store without Kids, 64 My Kitchen, 65 Photographs, 66 Quiet Moments, 67 Internet Shopping, 68 PBS Kids, 69 the Temple, 70 Comments on My Blog, 71 Service, 72 Contact Lenses, 73 When CW Comes Home, 74 $5 Pizzas, 75 Weekends Free of Any Obligations, 76 Games, 77 a Prophet, 78 Phone Calls from Loved Ones, 79 Talented and Inspiring People in the World, 80 Coming Home after Being Gone, 81 Disney Movies, 82 Bedtime, 83 Babysitters, 84 Canning and Food Storage, 85 Fresh Baked Bread, 86 Missionaries, 87 a Child's Prayer, 88 a Dry Night - without Bed-Wetting, 89 the Smell of Clean Kids after Their Bath, 90 Lessons Learned, 91 "Please" & "Thank You," 92 Water, 93 the End of 9 Months of Pregnancy, 94 Bonus Checks, 95 an Uninterrupted Shower, 96 Lotion, 97 Time, 98 Hope, 99 Ideas, 100 the Opportunity to Stay at Home and Be a Mother

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!