Remember report cards and grades and finals and semesters and all that stuff related to quantifying your performance in school? I miss that. It was my regular dose of affirmation and approval. My way of knowing that I was doing something right. That I was above average. I need that now. Badly.
I have never failed anything....ever. Not a test, not an assignment, and certainly not a class. I was the type of student that was disappointed with a "B." So it's a little troubling that my current performance in my current endeavors is less than satisfactory. I may even be failing. Miserably. Actually, it's not so much failing. My report card would be dotted with "I's." "I" for incomplete....or it could just as easily stand for incompetent, insufficient, imperfect, inadequate....This is not sitting well with me. I much prefer straight "A's."
My abilities as a wife, mother, housekeeper, homemaker, peacemaker, chef, teacher, leader, example, nurturer....and so on and so forth....are incomplete. I am not doing enough, of this I am sure. Tell me, how does one know what is GOOD enough without a handy little report card at the end of the term?
I thrive in quantitative situations. Like math - give me a math problem, with a specific solution, and I will solve it. It may take me a whole sheet of paper and two hours, but when I find the correct answer, I know absolutely and positively that I am right. Nothing feels better. Writing an essay for an English class, on the other hand, was a bit more complicated....because it was subjective and open to interpretation. There wasn't a specific right or wrong answer.
Unfortunately for me, life is more like the essay than the math problem. Except even in English there was a teacher handing out grades - someone to let me know where I ranked. I am flailing and failing pitifully....desperate for feedback. Looking at the state of my house and the general happiness of my children in recent weeks, there is definite room for improvement. And so, tomorrow I will try yet again to be more patient and kind and cleanly and all the things that I should be. Wish me luck, for clearly I need all the help I can get.
5 comments:
Sarah! You are the most wonderful person i know! You are too hard on yourself:) You are an amazing wife and mother and you are an example to me! I love you! and miss you:)
Love katie
Ah, Sarah, what great insight to how life evolves from external feedback to...something else. :) I agree with your thoughts of inner-worth and wanting more than that "I" incomplete feeling. Yet about you, you're smart and VERY capable! :) Have you heard of the little book called "The Lesson: A Fable for our times" (by Pearson)? It has great analogies with MATH and story problems to life's lessons. I have a copy you can read in an hour. And in the meantime, Good Luck with your work load and kids
Love remember in A Christmas Story when Ralphie turns in his paper about his Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas and his teacher fist cries then runs around the room writing A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
on the blackboards. Then caught up in the rapture, Ralphie is carried out of the classroom on his classmate’s shoulders. Well I may not cry every time you enter a room or say something brilliant, or hoist you up on my atrophying shoulders when another sudoku puzzle is completed in record time, or our children act like model children in public or in private for that matter. But after nearly 7 years of marriage you still amaze me, and I can honestly say you still earn an A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ in my book. I love you
i can totally relate! i think as mothers we all have moments like this and it would be nice to get some feedback now and then. however, i think you are doing a fabulous job. you have adorable girls and you offer so much to everyone around you. the thing i'm most grateful for is that our children will always offer us opportunities for "extra credit"!
I meant to comment on this earlier! I feel your pain! Andrew was in the science fair and I must admit I got a little "high" from him placing. My old school "grade me! grade me" attitude came back real quick. I too feel the heavy weight of not knowing how I'm really doing with my home and family. This is much harder that school! Hang in there and know that you are not alone. And...if it makes you feel better, I told Steve he should just be happy the kids were alive when he got home this last week. I got an A for effort...they were still breathing! Hadn't had a bath in a while, but still breathing.
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