Blogging Blahs

If you hadn't noticed I've struggled with the whole blogging thing in recent months. And considering that my blog is just over a year old, that indicates I've pretty much struggled with the whole blogging thing from day one. I want to blog. I want to want to blog. But lately I don't really want to do much of anything. My attitude reeks worse than the sour milk LuV spilled into some unreachable crevasse of the car. I don't really like who I am right now. My hormones are out of control. Seriously. One night I sobbed until my pillow was drenched and I'd run out of reasons to pity my poor, sorry self. I went to sleep feeling like a pathetic loser, not unaware that I was acting very much like a high school version of myself. A time when my self esteem couldn't even be detected under a microscope. A time when I loathed just about everything, and myself most of all. These days are not at all unlike those days. And I really don't want to blog about how self-absorbed and insecure I am right now. I don't want people to know what kind of a person I REALLY am, and I especially don't need to be reminded of this pitiful chapter in my life, especially when it's a repeat, and perhaps a common theme throughout my life.

And that, my friends, is why I am a bad blogger. I am essentially a fortress when it comes to most people. You've heard of walls? I've surrounded myself with them. So what possessed me to start publishing what I think and feel on the world-wide web? It's insane how much stress it causes me. Every post I agonize over, wondering what people will think, not only of my words, but of ME! I don't want to sugar-coat my life. I don't want to write about how my children are perfect (or at least better than yours) and I don't want to write about how every day is filled with fabulous, creative, educational, super-entertaining activities, because I'm super mom (that would be blatant lies). But I also don't want to write about my actual day-to-day frustrations and feelings of inadequacy. Life as a stay-at-home wife and mother does not come easily for me....it is not my dream job, and I'm not a natural at it. When I started my blog I wanted to write about the GOOD things in my life, so I would enjoy them more, and so I could look back and remember that life was and continues to be GOOD. Lately I haven't felt a lot of GOODness....It's there, I just need to be better about recognizing it.

And next time I feel an anxiety attack coming on when I sit down to write a post, I need to find the GOOD and forget the rest. So....one GOOD thing I finished today was a project I started with my mom and sisters and sisters-in-law a couple weeks ago. It's an advent calendar made out of a muffin tin. The 24 days until Christmas are made with scrapbook paper and embellishments glued to a magnet to cover the muffin cups. Each day the girls can take off a magnet to find a little treat along with some sort of Christmas-y activity or project or service for that day. Here's hoping that I can get my stinky attitude in check and enjoy the holidays, at least for the girls' sake. Otherwise I might need to check myself into a mental institution until this baby is born - a little medication and even a straight jacket and a padded room doesn't sound too bad right about now.