Today

While walking to school, Ellie realized she forgot her lunch. I ran back to the house to get it, because I'm such a good mom. I'll need to remind her of that next time she throws one of her "you're always so mean!" comments at me. It was hot - I haven't run since July, maybe June. It was definitely a day I should have been wearing a bra. Oh well.

Lauren came out of kindergarten holding hands with another girl. It made my heart happy. She is making friends - Avery, Claire, Lucy, McKenna. A hard thing to do for a 5-year-old starting school and only knowing one other boy.

We are off to a good start. Piano lessons and art classes were a hit (at least for week one). I want to go to the state fair tomorrow - do you think I can convince the husband to brave the parking and crowds? He hates the crowds and parking so very much. Wish me luck. Happy weekend!

Hello, Again

I want to blog more. I don't want to lose these moments; these precious, fleeting moments of my current life. My life that will never again be just like it is now. This life that makes me crazy some most days. This life that I take for granted. This life that I dreamed about and prayed for and over a decade ago I wanted so badly it hurt. I want to remember it all. And I want to be grateful for it now, while I'm living it. I don't want to wish these crazy, hectic, messy house days away.

Jane started preschool and ballet this year. She thinks she is the biggest girl in the world, and in my eyes she is. She walked into preschool today by herself. I wanted her to need me, but not really, because I love her confidence. My baby isn't my baby anymore. Ballet. She has been practicing, and when we got to class she was bouncing up and down with anticipation. The entire 50 minutes she was glued to her teacher's side, showing the other girls how ballet is done. Because she is 3, and already a ballerina.

Lauren is my kindergartener. She has waited for this day for so, so long, and now that it's here I'm not sure it's met her expectations. Or maybe it's just those early mornings that she's struggling with. As of today she is still jealous of Jane getting to go to preschool. I hope that changes - I want her to love school and learning. She is my soccer player and tumbler. She would join anything and everything if I would let her. She is making friends, and I am proud of her every day for trying hard and being kind (I hope!).

My Ellie, my oldest child. The first child of a first child. I've made and broken so many promises of things I wouldn't do with my oldest. I pray the hardest for Ellie. We butt heads...a lot. Our mornings are spent in arguments over clothes and hair - it's hard for me to let things go. (It's that oldest child, both of us wanting to be the one in control - makes for a rocky relationship.) Ellie is a good girl, so smart, so responsible, so very stubborn. I worry about her friendships. I will move to a new neighborhood for this child...I want the same neighborhood we moved into 6 years ago...I want all the kids who have moved away to come back. It's hard to watch your children grow up and make their own choices. Ellie is in 3rd grade, and has always been a great student. We finally quit soccer (hallelujah!) after realizing that she doesn't like games where there is a winner and loser. She is starting piano lessons and art classes, and continuing with tumbling. I hope she finds something she enjoys - we haven't succeeded yet. She is young - I don't know why I feel pressure for her to find her "thing" already.

Craig is working...hard at a job that he doesn't love. I appreciate that he spends so much of his time doing something that isn't something he would choose to do. He does it for us. He copes by looking for new jobs, new houses, new land, new dogs, new cars - by daydreaming. He ran a relay race in Oregon - 18 miles in 3 legs. He trained hard, and I am proud of my runner husband.

I am failing at laundry and housekeeping. It's supposed to be easier now that they are older, but I am just hoping that I can get all the kids where they need to be and still maintain what little sanity I had to begin with. I just got called as Primary President, which is anybody's guess as to what I'm doing here and why. My personality is not kid-friendly, and I worry that I don't connect with the children as well as I should. And so I have things to learn, and areas in which to grow, which is always a good thing. I am feeling lonely in a ward where people have moved on and left us behind. I am anti-social, and not anxious to make an effort when I feel old and frumpy compared to the new models. That is my poor attitude, and I know it needs to change, but not sure how.

Life is good. Busy. Healthy. Comfortable. Happy. Changing. Growing up.

Slacker

I'm feeling unorganized, unproductive, scatter-brained, what have you. I need a planner, or at least a calendar. Mommy brain is not capable of remembering things like dates, names, what needs to be done when, or how to properly construct a sentence. So today I made a list.

23 Feb 2011

• cancel Comcast
• pay AmEx bill
• babysitter for Saturday
• treats/note for Visiting Teaching ladies (it's one of those months)
• Girls Camp calendar/ideas - meet with MF
• Book Club date/invitations
• order TC's missionary plaque
• Church bulletin board
• dinner for C family
• Friday KM here for play date
• Thursday - drive to gymnastics
• JES birthday presents/cake
• SK birthday present
• Mom & K thank-you card & gift
• grocery shopping
• laundry
• clean basement
• organize files
• vacuum car
• schedule JES doctor appointment - 1 year
• March 1st - Relief Society meeting
• call SP
• shoes

This is on top of my daily tasks of keeping the house clean, and the floor swept (the way JES eats that's a full-time job), the kids happy and entertained, and everyone fed (again, it feels like I'm constantly making a meal or cleaning up after one). So far I've paid my AmEx bill on-line. This list doesn't even include catching up on all my television viewing. That list would rival this one in length. I don't even know which girls are left on The Bachelor or who the next American Idol will be. At my productivity level, I may never know. I'm not feeling super-motivated, the way I thought I would having written everything down on paper. Wish me luck getting off my lazy rear-end (which, to my credit, has been running almost 3 miles in the morning for the last couple weeks - at least one thing I'm accomplishing) and getting some of this stuff done. I need all the help I can get.

Punk

MOHAWK-SPORTING

PURPLE "ROXY" JEGGING-WEARING

CRAZY-EYED

FUN-LOVING

ATTITUDE-GIVING

PAPARAZZI-FRIENDLY

WILD WOMAN

PUNK!

It's just a little crush...

EM-isms

While eating strawberries..."Mom, I just adore strawberries. Do you adore strawberries, too?"

EM heard the ice cream truck, and not knowing where the sound was coming from, or probably even what an ice cream truck is, she said, "Dad, did you hear that music? Isn't it beautiful? It was so beautiful I had to close my eyes." Apparently we need to expose her to better music.

After her first day of Kindergareten: "Mom, you should really go to school. It's so fun." When I asked if any of the other moms were at school, and wouldn't that be weird if I were the only mom at school she said, "Well, maybe you should have just stayed 5 then."

Fall Fetish

Something about this time of year brings about some serious introspection for me. The harvest, the abundance of fruit right in my own backyard, the going back to school, the colors, the change of season....I don't know what it is, but I like it. Fall is the season I'd pick if I had to pick a season. So here are a couple lessons I learned today from picking blackberries:

• Enjoy the right here and right now.

I find myself telling the girls to not eat anymore berries, because then we won't have enough for the cobbler I want to make. Am I for real? A blackberry is at its best when it's fresh-picked, ripe, and warm off the vine. So juicy and delicious, no cobbler can compete. Once I forget about the cobbler and allow myself to enjoy the berries as we pick, I have no more self control than my girls. When we're through my hands and mouth are just as covered in remnants of purple delight as my 2-year-old's. I have my girls to thank for teaching me to stop and enjoy the moment, instead of planning to enjoy it later.

• Sometimes you have to deal with thorns to get to the GOOD stuff.

Blackberries have a pretty good defense mechanism set up to, you know, protect them from bears and little girls. The best, biggest, ripest berries are always hidden in the thorns. You better have a few scrapes after you're done picking, or you can be sure you missed out on the really GOOD stuff.

• Taking a break to pick blackberries when my house is a disaster and my baby is crying is GOOD for me, maybe even necessary.

This really requires no explanation other than by the time I was finished, the baby had cried herself to sleep, thereby saving my sanity for maybe 1/2 hour.

• Life is GOOD, and I am blessed, maybe even spoiled.

Those berries grow with absolutely no work on my part. I get to enjoy their GOODness without having to do anything but walk a few yards and pick away. I have lots of things in my life that I probably don't deserve, definitely haven't "earned," and probably don't appreciate as much as I should.

• Hard work deserves a reward.

I told the girls they couldn't eat any berries until my bowl was filled. Well, they didn't exactly keep their side of that bargain 100%, but they did help me fill my bowl up as best as little girls can, two or three berries at a time. So they definitely deserved some reward of their own for all their "hard" work. And since blackberries are dangerous creatures they needed some help from someone with longer arms. I can be a nice mom. Sometimes. When I stop and actually allow myself to be nice in the moment instead of planning to be nice later.

Really Real 1st Day

Today was EM's true first day of Kindergarten. The older grades started last Monday, and the Kindergartners go that first day, only to have to wait an entire week until they can go back. The rest of the week is spent assessing each, individual kindergartner's intelligence. So today was it, the big day, her first footsteps down the path of public education. I had planned to walk her up to school, but Mother Nature put a damper on that idea. So rather than fight the masses to find a parking spot, lug three children through the downpour to get EM in the building and in the right classroom, I let my friend take her instead. Tell me I'm not a bad mom. Tell me I won't regret missing that opportunity for the rest of my life. I went with her last Monday to her "pseudo" first day - tell me that was GOOD enough. Instead of seeing her tackle this new challenge with my own eyes (which may or may not have been filled with tears had I been there), I had to receive a second-hand account of how she put on her determined face and walked confidently into her classroom. She hung up her raincoat, and looked around, unsure what to do next. She watched the other kids, looking for some inspiration. She took her things out of her backpack, and then wondered what to do with it now. She figured it out, and hung it up with her jacket. She marched her skinny little self in her skinny little jeans (is it wrong that I covet my 5-year-old's body? Seriously, if I looked as good as she does in skinny jeans I'd be wearing them daily...I digress) into that Kindergarten class. She owned her first day. I'm as proud as any mommy could be. I actually think it was for the best that I wasn't there. I don't think her first-day-of-Kindergarten story would be the same if she'd had her smother-mother making sure every little thing she did was exactly what she was supposed to do.
At EM's assessment the parents were asked to fill out a questionnaire. The last question asked something along the lines of "What do you expect out of your child's Kindergarten experience?" The answer I wrote was something like, "I hope she has a positive and fun experience. I want her to make new friends. I hope her love for learning continues to grow. I hope she develops confidence in herself." After today, I think we're on the right track. What I didn't write, but want her to remember is this: "I hope that even though there will be more influences in your life now that you have entered this big, new world, that your father's and my influence will still have an impact. I hope that within your circle of friends your sisters are always included. I hope that you remember to be nice, to remember how our words make other people feel, to listen, to tell the truth, to obey, to not be a tattle-tell. I hope you don't change too much, because I love your silly faces and voices and made-up words, I love your laugh, I love your desire for perfection, I love YOU. I hope you recognize how smart you are and that you can do anything - just don't give up when you think it's too hard. Most importantly, I hope that you don't let others determine how you feel about yourself. Know that you are a beautiful, talented, and amazing daughter of God. Knowing that will make all the difference in your life. Please, please, please don't lose that confidence you had today as you faced your first day of school. Don't let some 4'10" 80-pound girl make you think there's something wrong with you because you don't look like she does (okay, maybe this discussion can wait for junior high or high school - or hopefully this will never be YOUR issue). I hope you have the best year of Kindergarten ever!"